With or Without Him
by mercurial2010
Summary: Syed contemplates the different paths his future may take. Syed/Christian Syed/Amira. Disclaimer: Not mine, I just like to dream. Thanks to the lovely Roxy0800 for the beta-ing.
1. Prologue

Prologue 1 Nov 2009

It's 2am. Syed's chucking the wedding rings his Mum bought him between his hands, watching the way they sparkle in the light from his bedside lamp. But also the way that, if he keeps his eyes fixed to that central mark, there's a couple of moments where the rings go too high for him to see, and they're not important anymore.

He should really be sleeping, he has suit buying to do tomorrow, and he can already feel the stress. But his bed feels strange and uncomfortable. He shivers from the cold, and realises he's so used to Christian's heated body next to him. His hand reaches out for his mobile, but he stops himself. Christian had asked him one simple thing:

"To think about everything, and make a choice."

Christian was right, that word, that emotion, being spoken between them had just resulted in more pain. It had complicated things further, when Syed knew it without him saying it, and had done for months. Ramadan was a test for himself, and a way of stepping back from everything that was becoming too overwhelming for words. But it was also a test for Christian, whether he could remain faithful, Syed believed he would jump into the next bed that was offered to him. But Christian had abstained, and even back then, with all the pain and anguish, it had made Syed feel special and happy, and in love. From that month, he had known how strongly Christian felt for him. Syed had known that he himself was that mythological character James thought may never exist:

"The man who could make Christian Clarke commit."

Syed didn't need Christian to say that four letter word, he already knew. But then in the same moment, he did need to know. He needed to feel how complete his heart would be on hearing it spoken from those lips, knowing he returned the emotion.

Their moment was interrupted, Lucy storming into her uncle's apartment. The picture of a future for them left unpainted. _Could there be a future for them?_

Syed fell asleep imagining the paths of this particular crossroad. Disjointed dreams greeted him, juxtaposed shots of the life he would have with his fiancée, or the life he may have with the man he was in love with.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter OneWithout him: 1 Feb 2010

The Imam smiles at me, as he begins his script, and in that smile I see him telling me I've done the right thing. That he's proud that I've stepped away from temptation, I ignore that small part of me that says all I've done is run away.

Amira kisses me as she signs the contract, and I smile at her, avoiding the small part of me that cries out for his lips. She looks beautiful today, the orange silk sari delicately wrapped around her. I try to consume myself with her contentment, as Allah confirms our love.

Dad taps me on the shoulder as he steps forward to sign, and I nod at him, stamping down the small part of me that says he has no reason to feel proud. That if he knew the truth, he'd be stone walling me again, calling me dishonest and weak. But he's here with me, my family is surrounding me, loving and proud, that should be enough, I agreed that was enough.

"I have given away myself in Nikah to you Syed." Amira says, and I can see the happiness radiate from her eyes, filling the cold room.

"I have accepted the Nikah." I say as my voice trembles.

She kisses me, and I hear my Mum applaud behind me, and I concentrate on how lucky I am, that I have the beautiful wife, and my parents approval.

Christian's at the Valimah, his back to us as we enter, and I can already see the pain he's in. He turns to face me as everyone welcomes us in, and there's a smile on his face but I see right through it. I look into his eyes and see how lost and alone he feels, and I know I did that to him.

With him: 6 June 2014

It's a non-descript registry office in the city. Roxy's standing protectively on Christian's side; on my side I have the cab driver who drove us here. Christian smiles at me, squeezing my hand. And I can see the happiness radiate from his eyes, filling my world.

"**I promise to share my life openly with you Christian" I say, my voice trembling, but the security I see in his eyes gives me strength to continue.**

**"I promise to cherish and care for you, to honour and support you. I will respect you and be true to you, through good times and bad. To these promises, I give my word."**

**As I place his ring on his finger, he turns to look at me, and he takes my breath away. He's so beautiful, just looking at him makes me crave him, even now, even after these five years together. My hand fits perfectly within his, and I know we were made to be together, that he's the other half of me. **He kisses me, and I think of how lucky we are that we finally got here together. That we have this sort of love.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

**Without him: 3 Feb 2010**

It's sunny. The house is beautiful. The wooden floorboards are polished, the bathroom huge and luxurious, and it's in Walford. It's perfect. Our first home, I think with a smile. Both our families are there to help us move in, and stay as they congratulate us and say how happy they all are. I tell myself again how lucky I am Amira married me.

Mum insists on holding the Quran over Amira's head as she walks through the door, and the height difference, and the fact that Mum is severely pregnant makes for a hilarious image. But despite my Mum being on top form, Amira exudes happiness throughout the day, and sings as she makes us our first dinner as a proper married couple.

That night, I step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist, and walk in to our bedroom. On the chest of drawers at the foot of the bed she's lit seven candles. She's trying to set the mood. Her mouth claims mine, and I try and cling on to the familiar taste and smell of her, but I'm transported back to one moment of my past.

_My hands stroke down his hair as his tongue maps and curves around my muscles, making me cry out for him. I feel him take a hand around to my cock, playing with the intense hard flesh, and I moan his name into the cold night's air. He inserts a slicked finger into me and my arm crashes out to the side, knocking over one of the jars he keeps candles in. He laughs, bending to pick it up, but I flip him around, dominating him, exercising the same treatment on him._

_"Ignore it" I order, before I run my tongue into his navel. _

With him: 3 Feb 2010

It's raining. The tower block is large, and on one of the roughest estates in Stratford. We're on the tenth floor, the lift's been broken all day and the movers left us outside without so much as a backward glace. So we've had to move all the boxes up the stairs. I swear he has five times more stuff than me, but he's complaining so much I end up doing nearly all the work. When we arrive the door is almost broken off the hinges, and there's a funny musty smell like something's died beneath the floorboards. There's no furniture, mould in the fridge, and chain bars over the window. I don't blame the estate agent for not wanting to show it to us, or wanting the transaction dealt with as quickly as possible. In the business, this is what we used to call "an own goal". Something you're never likely to live down.

Our first home, I think with a sad smile.

I turn to face him and he's laying out my open sleeping bag, on top of his. He's placed a couple of candles around the bed, so the place looks like the tree house I used to want as a kid, but Dad would never let me have. A magical land where all the problems disappear. He hands me a cup of tea, as he pulls me to him. I fit perfectly into his arms.

"Welcome home" He breathes, "Sorry I'm already such a lousy flatmate, I'll make it up to you I promise".

He kisses me, a slow sensual kiss that tastes like the future, like the promises we made to each other. My toes curl over in my shoes, the way they do when he elicits excitement throughout me. Everything about him is familiar. The ragged rise and fall of his chest as his warm lips tend to mine. The way he runs his tongue along my teeth, as though he's memorising me. The hand he uses to push down into the back pocket of my jeans. Everything is well-known, comforting and soothing, and I realise that home is wherever he is.

The one piece of furniture in the house, an old stack of shelves, falls down and we pull away, laughing at each other.

"Soon we'll have that house by the beach" He smiles.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter ThreeWithout him: 15 June 2010

I come home from work, and it's been a really stressful day. Christian's been looking at me like I'm sort of murderer for most of the day. He's like a child, he's stone walling me, although I'm trying my best to remain his business partner. Mum's been laying extra pressure on us, and even Jane went and left us in the lurch. The last thing I need is Amira's stuff lying all over the house. But as I walk in I can barely move for shopping bags, and then once again her lunch stuff is left in the lounge, and there's that really acidic smell of nail polish remover. I kick my shoes off and step on her nail file which is pointing up into the carpet. I curse as I realise she's actually drawn blood.

"What's wrong?" She calls as she walks into the sitting room.

"I thought I'd asked you to tidy this place up"

"Don't shout at me" She says, taken aback.

"I've lost count of the amount of times I've told you to wash up after yourself Amira! I'm not your fucking maid OK?" I put on my shoes as I walk away from her.

"Syed" She says, trying to grab me by the arm.

"Get off me"

"I was just about to clear it up"

"I've heard that one before" I scoff, grabbing my jacket and walk out the door.

"Syed" She calls after me and I hear the pain in her voice, and I turn around to look at her. "Please don't leave me like this". She says, tears in her eyes. But I'm so sick of her princess act.

"I'm just going to my Mums" I call, turning on my heel.

I'm walking without looking and plough straight into someone coming from the opposite direction.

"Sorry" I say, attempting to push past but he grabs me by the arm.

And I look up, and it's Christian, and I loose my breath. There's real concern shining in his green eyes, I feel my stomach learn to tie a very complicated knot.

"You OK?" He asks.

With him: 6 June 2014

It's our wedding day. Our fucking wedding day. And he's already flirting with other people. You know not that I wouldn't mind that barman myself. He was unbelievably good looking, some sort of James Bond look alike. But that's not the point, didn't Christian just promise to love _me_ forever?

"Syed you're being irrational"

I roll my eyes, as I turn back to shove the rest of my clothes in my suitcase.

"I'm being irrational? I'm being irrational?! Well what the hell are you, you know I was right, you are a slapper who can't keep it in his trousers"

"Ouch" He says flaunting around to his side of the bed.

Sighing, he places his hand on my arm, but I hit him away.

"Get off me"  
"I was just talking to the guy!" He protests.

"Yeah well most people don't touch guy's biceps when they're _talking_ to them!"

"God Syed just listen to yourself for a second would you?"

"Maybe that's the problem, maybe I've listened to myself too much. Maybe I should have listened to my Mum when she said this could never work"

He stares up at me, with those big gorgeous green eyes as I sling the bag on my back. His mouths set in stone at the injustice of the words I've just screamed at him. And I realise I need to get out of here before I say something else I regret. I walk away slamming the hotel room door behind me.

"Syed" He calls after me, and I hear the pain in his voice. I stop and turn around to look at him. The look in his eye calms me, and I realise, that once I think about it, I'm not sure I even saw him touch his arm. And what the hell does it matter, I know he loves me. He may be an outrageous flirt but I knew that the day I agreed to marry him, I knew that when I moved in with him, I knew that from the instant I kissed him. And he's my husband, he belongs to me. I've already put him through so much, and every time he's come back. _Boomerang Christian_, Roxy and I were lovingly calling him last night.

"Please don't leave me like this" He says, tears in his eyes.

He's _my_ boomerang.

I walk back to him, chucking the bag down at his feet. I place two hands on his face, pulling him toward me.

"I love you, Mr Massood" I say. Pressing my lips to his before he can complain that he hates my surname, and that he thought we agreed if anything, I'd take his.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

**Without him: 1st November 2016**.

It's a beautiful day. Mum and Dad have finally taken the three hour journey to come to our new house in Rye. Amira's Aunts here, and Aahil's been over excited all day.

"I remember your fifth birthday party, you insisted on dressing up as that terrapin" Dad says, sitting back in the sun lounger

"No that was his seventh, and it was a turtle" Mum starts their millionth argument today and I close my eyes.

I've eaten way too much of Aahil's birthday cake and my wives lovely cooking, but Aahil comes and jumps up on my lap, demanding attention.

"Daddy, Daddy, will you play some football with me?" He pleads and I look over at Amira, quietly asking her for a little peace.

"Aahil why don't you go and get changed into that outfit Grandma Zainab gave you for your birthday?" She asks. And as he runs to the house she winks at me.

"You've been very generous to him Zainab" Amira states.

"Don't be stupid, if you can't treat your own Grandson who can you?"

I hear Aahil running and singing, before I see him, and smile, our son, always the loud one. My family all applaud at the outfit he's wearing, but my heart stops as I see him, and I feel an old form of pain eat at the very centre of me.

He's dressed as superman.

**With him: 1st November 2016.**

Gemma comes and bounces on our bed at 4am. Her golden hair falls in ringlets down by her face; her beautiful blue eyes are overly excited. And obviously I'm really excited for her, my fifth birthday is my first ever memory. But Christian didn't let me fall asleep until midnight last night, and he just turns over now, rolls on to his back and covers his head with the pillow. So I have to get up with her.

Sighing I pick her up in my arms, turning her around in a circle making airplane noises. The way that always releases the giggle that touches my heart.

"Go and make her breakfast will you Sy?" He asks, and rolling my eyes at her I guide her out the room asking her what she wants.

"Oh and bring me a cup of tea as well"

"What did your last slave die of?"

"Disobedience" He winks, pulling the duvet over his head for an extra twenty minutes I'd love to have one day.

"What's up with Daddy?" She asks looking at me so innocently that it makes my heart fall in love with her all over again.

"Oh you know him; he doesn't do happiness in the mornings"

"I'll show you what I want" She says, as she walks to the fridge and points at the chocolate spread, the banana, and the bread, she's so much like Christian sometimes it's uncanny.

"OK, you cleaned your teeth?"

"I don't do teeth on my birthdays" She informs me. And I laugh with her as I decide that's one battle Christian can fight.

XXX

She's opened all the presents we bought her, so as she's playing quietly in her bedroom we spend five minutes alone together. We use it to sit on the sofa and drink tea. We've grown up, and it's really quite scary. I remember a time when any five minutes alone we'd spend shredding each other of our clothing. I rest my head on his shoulder, as he entwines our hands, our fingers folding into each others.

"You look tired" Christian smiles at me.

And I open my mouth to say that's what having a demanding husband and an over excited daughter does to you, but before I do Gemma comes skipping in.

"Aunties here"

"That's lovely, why don't you go and show Aunty Jane the presents you got?" He says smiling at me; I can see he's determined to spend more time alone.

"It's not Auntie Jane."

I look at him puzzled, and he squeezes my hand in reassurance as I walk toward the door.

Shabnam's standing on the doorstep, a glittery bag in her hand, chewing on her bottom lip. But she smiles as she sees me, even if it's a little uncertainly.

"Oh it's so good to see you" I say stepping toward her, and she comes into my embrace.

"Really?"

"Of course"

"I didn't know if I'd be invited"

"You always are" I inform her, pulling away to look at her. "You look really well" I tell her as the worry finally fades form her eyes.

"Thank you, you do too. How are you?" She asks.

I turn around to smile at Christian, he's fitting some pink sparkling spokes to Gemma's bike, and she's looking at him like he's her hero.

"Happy" I reply.


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue1 Nov 2009

Christian wakes up suddenly at dramatic banging on his flat door. He buries his head in his pillow, thinking it must be Lucy; she's had another fight with her latest boyfriend, and come to complain to her favourite uncle about it.

"Go away, its 4 o'clock in the bloody morning!" He screams to the intruder.

It's Sunday tomorrow, but he doesn't have it off, and he needs the extra sleep to be able to deal with Ian. So he curses under his breath, placing the spare pillow over his head.

But the banging persists. So he pulls his dressing gown around himself as he walks across the flat.

He opens the door to see Syed, an expression on his face he's never seen before, and his name falls from his lips. Syed's eyes are so serious, he looks worried, but determined, and there's something deeper there as well.

"What's wrong?" Christian asks concerned.

But Syed can't think of the words to say, so crashes his lips hard against Christian's. He kicks the door shut behind him, as his hands reach for the rope holding the dressing gown together. Christian pushes him back against the door, moving Syed's hands above his head, holding him in place and stares at him. Even with everything they've been through, even with all the arguments, all the passion, he's never kissed him so ferociously before.

"What's happened?"

"I just…" He starts, but pauses, his eyes drift to the left, the way Christian knew they did when he was thinking about something too hard to say. And Christian strokes his thumbs in Syed's palms, trying to add comfort to the boy.

The small movement fills Syed with the strength that he needs, and he turns to look at Christian. Christian inhales sharply at the look in Syed's brown eyes, if he didn't know better; he'd say that was love.

"I realised, it's you, even if I'm without you it will always come back to you."

Encouraged by the amazing smile that spreads over Christian's mouth Syed continues.

"I love you Christian, how can I choose anything but you?"

Syed looses his breath in Christians grin, and knows that his eyes are sparkling as vividly. As Christian lets their lips reunite, Syed realises that he really does love him, and that it feels right. That it felt right saying it. As he dissolves into Christians kiss, he makes a pact to say it every day for oh at least the next seven years.


End file.
